(Sidebar to one particular reader: this post is ill-timed, but don't read too much into it).
I just realised, I hate talking about literature (or "just realised..."). I don't like listening to people talk about literature. I don't enjoy watching shows where people talk about literature (Babel, I've taken you on and failed so many times). I think it's because I love literature, books, words, but I hate people who read. And that is something I did just realise.
Maybe it's because it's so sacred to me. Maybe it's because it's so my own, and if I talk about it, I'll destroy it. Or they will. Maybe that's why I dropped out of Westminster. Maybe that's why I can't see myself ever going to university. God, the fucking panic I feel every time I think about uni. Being a student. All I want is to feel free. Uni, it feels like the smallest cage of them all.
It's not that I think you can go through life not being influenced by anyone. But I want to choose everything, absolutely everything, on my own. What books to read, what people to talk to, what movie to see. No curriculum. I don't want anything forced upon me. Also, I want everything. You can't have everything if you spend years doing one thing.
Having said that; I want to marry Jessika Gedin, which means I do enjoy listening to people talk about literature. But only if they agree with me, or vice versa. Which one could apply to every conversation one has had or ever will have in life.
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