20110503

DETTA ABNORMA MEN KONSTANTA SJÄLSTILLSTÅND

"Om du letar i ditt eget och dina vänners liv, skall du finna många skiftande varieteter av den; och vore jag som du, skulle jag plocka några sådana och sälja dem på torget --"

"Vad tjänar det till att söka bygga upp ett liv, då vi behärskas av makter som vi icke känna och då vi icke veta mera om vårt lönnliga känsloliv än de grodd och knoppar, som nu svälla och spira här runt omkring oss veta huru deras celler danas?"

"Då han som bäst satt i ett glatt lag eller i ett sällskap, mitt under ett samtal vari han uppgick med hela sitt intresse, kunde ångesten plötsligt göra sig gällande, och då var det honom som om det någonstädes långt borta funnes ett eller annat som kallade på honom, något som bådade olycka, något som han borde tänka på och se efter vad det var. Den spred sig genom hela hans själsliv likt en kräfta, och den kom hans känslomekanism att stanna eller funktionera abnormt, så att han fruktade glädjen vilket hettade hans hjärna till yrsel och lade hans nerver nakna och snart vände upp en en frånsida som var ångesten och alltid avsatte en känsla av vånda, medan han tryckte sorgen och motgångarna intill sig i smärtsam ömhet liksom djurhonan sina sjuka ungar. Den dröp sitt etter in i det vardagliga livets små bagateller såväl som i de stora vändpunkterna i hans öde, den åt sig in i hans kärlek liksom i allting annat (...)
-
Sensitiva amorosa, Ola Hansson

While it's always difficult to have an opinion on a book someone you know like ( like"this is the book I would save from a fire" kind of like), I do really enjoy these certain paragraphs. It's so obvious why I identify with the last one. To me anyway. As I said, hard to have an opinion. In a way, I'm reading about myself. But in another way, and one that interests me a whole lot more, I'm reading about someone else.

20110418

Reading Too much happiness by Alice Munro now.

20110411

WEIGHTLESS AND UNBELONGING

New books;
Alice Munro - Too much happiness
Joyce Carol Oates - Little bird of heaven
Margaret Atwood - Life before man
Sylvia Plath - Johnny Panic and the bible of dreams
Lorrie Moore - Who will run the frog hospital?
Siri Hustvedt - The summer without men
Miranda July - No one belongs here more than you
Doris Lessing - Ben, in the world

Books I've read lately;
Sylvia Plath - The bell jar
Miranda July - No one belongs here more than you
Lorrie Moore - Who will run the frog hospital?
Margaret Atwood - Moral disorder

Currently reading Ben, in the world. Finally found the sequel to The fifth child in London a couple of weeks ago. Waterstone's, I miss you sometimes. London, I miss you sometimes.

20110408

Haha, just when I was slagging Babel off, they obviously go hang out with Jonathan Safran Foer, Siri Hustvedt, Joyce Carol Oates and talk about Perec. I was going to fan-girl about Günter Wallraff too, but I don't understand German. Anyway, fuck, I'm easy to win back;



20110407

YOU DROPPED A HUNDRED AND FIFTY GRAND ON A FUCKING EDUACTION YOU COULDA' GOT FOR A DOLLAR 50 IN LATE CHARGES AT THE LIBRARY

(Sidebar to one particular reader: this post is ill-timed, but don't read too much into it).

I just realised, I hate talking about literature (or "just realised..."). I don't like listening to people talk about literature. I don't enjoy watching shows where people talk about literature (Babel, I've taken you on and failed so many times). I think it's because I love literature, books, words, but I hate people who read. And that is something I did just realise.

Maybe it's because it's so sacred to me. Maybe it's because it's so my own, and if I talk about it, I'll destroy it. Or they will. Maybe that's why I dropped out of Westminster. Maybe that's why I can't see myself ever going to university. God, the fucking panic I feel every time I think about uni. Being a student. All I want is to feel free. Uni, it feels like the smallest cage of them all.

It's not that I think you can go through life not being influenced by anyone. But I want to choose everything, absolutely everything, on my own. What books to read, what people to talk to, what movie to see. No curriculum. I don't want anything forced upon me. Also, I want everything. You can't have everything if you spend years doing one thing.

Having said that; I want to marry Jessika Gedin, which means I do enjoy listening to people talk about literature. But only if they agree with me, or vice versa. Which one could apply to every conversation one has had or ever will have in life.

20110331

AN EMPTINESS WITH A NAME: YOU.

"I am screaming, All these years you came first! You, never me! Who cleaned, did the homework for hours, slogged through the shopping? Did you? Goddamned master of the universe! Phallic Übermensch off to a conference! The neural correlates of consciousness! It makes me puke!
Why are you always so angry? What happened to your sense of humor? Why are you rewriting our life?"
- The summer without men, Siri Hustvedt

20110308

NO ONE BELONGS HERE MORE THAN YOU.

"In the reocurring dream, everything has already fallen down, and I'm underneath. I'm crawling, sometimes for days, under the rubble. And as I crawl, I realize that this one was the Big One. It was the earthquake that shook the whole world, and every single thing was destroyed. But this isn't the scary part. That part always comes right before I wake up. I am crawling, and then suddenly, I remember: the earthquake happened years ago. This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is. In fact, I realize, there never was an earthquake. Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else."

"Some people are uncomfortable with silences. Not me. I've never cared much for call and response. Sometimes I will think of something to say and then I will ask myself: is it worth it? And it just isn't."

"I hated my job, but I liked that I could do it. I had once believed in a precious inner self, but now I didn't. I had thought that I was fragile, but I wasn't."

- No one belongs here more than you., Miranda July